I Give Up | BDSM Dating

Dating in the twenty-first century isn't easy, maybe it's due to the ever growing populous of the world, or maybe it's due to individuals being more aware. Whatever the reasoning, for many it simply isn't always easy. Now, add the complexities and many facets of BDSM into your dating life and this in many cases, increases the difficulty in finding a suitable partner.

Ultimately leaving many to say, "I give up".

To those who've had these feelings, or even thoughts, allow me to provide you with a number - 2.5 years.

I Give Up

Two and a half years, this is the average time span for which I am personally, 'single'. Two and a half years is the average in which it takes Me to find a suitable long-term submissive.

Yep, I am not immune to the difficulties. However, how I view dating within the BDSM community may be very different from yours.

Finding a 'play partner' or short-term partner is both easy and not necessarily a bad thing. The BDSM community is saturated with kinksters who only view BDSM as a means of sexual gratification or kink rather than a lifestyle. This is no secret, I have discussed this many times in the past.

So, how might this be a good thing? Well, that depends entirely on how you view those you encounter.

If you view the majority of the individuals you meet in the community as a potential long-term partner, then you're probably going to have a difficult time finding one. Not to mention, it's likely going to become emotionally and mentally taxing when it turns out that they're not.

So again, how is this beneficial? By simply changing the way one views those they encounter.

Lead yourself with logic, not emotion. Although one may meet someone who at first, has the potential to be a suitable long-term partner, this actually is often not the case. So, view them as an experience and a means to further develop one's self - to explore.

Look, I get it. For many, myself included, the journey to discovery is a pivotal moment in their life, maybe even the most significant. Thus, the desire to share that discovery wholly and entirely with someone is a strong one; To finally feel the bond that intertwines Dominant & submissive - becoming one with another.

However, I believe that by focusing on this strong desire, maybe even need to feel, an important fact gets overlooked - everything should happen naturally and organically, without being forced by desire or hope. I can assure you, by focusing on the desire to have the individual you're intertwined with rather than the experience whenever you meet someone... you will likely force your hope onto them and the relationship - don't force it.

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Don't think so? I'll give you one quick example I am sure most have at least witnessed.

Relationship statuses on Fet change about as frequently as I change my underwear - on the daily. Individuals go from single to Owned & committed, and back to single in a matter of days. To me, this only solidifies the focus of many.

Change your focus from the longing desire to have that someone, change it from the hope that the person you're meeting is 'the one' and place your focus on the experience - experiencing BDSM, experiencing likes/dislikes, experiencing life, experiencing yourself... Whatever the experience, have it without expectation of where it may lead or where you want it to lead.

I get it, believe me, I do. When I am meeting new and potential submissives, I am not excluded from any of the desires and/or feelings of longing that they will be someone special to me, that we will connect on a level that only we share. Not to mention, I am a Dominant with very strict protocols, rules, and expectations. I do not compromise and this for many, is intimidating... only adding to My own difficulties in finding suitable long-term partners.

However, the thought; I give up. This, this has never crossed my mind. I give up on what, myself? No, never.

This may be where my thought process differs from most; my focus has never been on finding 'the one', but rather, on the experience of life and finding those I connect with. There are many levels and facets in which to connect with someone.

I believe firmly that, if I connect with someone and they are in fact a long-term partner and I have committed myself to them, then it will have just happened, in most cases not even consciously. I will have committed myself entirely because it came to fruition naturally and organically.

Giving up on my lifestyle, on the community and/or on who I am as a person has never been a thought for me and if it has for you, I implore you to change your focus and the way you view those you encounter.

It is okay to be monogamous, it is okay to be exclusive and devote yourself to something (notice I didn't say someone), and take a casual approach, but do so for the experience, not the hope that they're the one you'll be intertwined with.

Don't allow yourself to be lead by excitement or hope. Lead yourself with logic, don't force it and allow things to happen naturally and organically.

Ask yourself, what's the purpose of Owning/being Owned if the bond, true emotional connection (not desire) hasn't even developed yet? The ability to say so and the hope that it all works out?

My view is and has always been this; If the person opposite of me is truly a submissive I have been longing for, they will be because they were meant to be, not because I wanted them to be.


Personal Note: I know, I know, it's been ages since my last entry. Coming into 2017 has been very fruitful to me both personally and professionally. Ultimately, keeping me very busy, but I'm still here!

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1 Comment

  1. Libby on August 26, 2017 at 2:01 am

    I am finding myself saying “I give up” as my encounters in the BDSM community have led to non-commitment (and I mean that even in just casual play), emotional abuse and feelings of inadequacy on my part. But I observe also that perhaps I put too much hope on each situation, even subconsciously and that makes the other individuals’ actions seem far worse, when it’s in fact just pathetic.

    As a new sub, I am naturally hopeful. Hopeful for experience, and yes that they might be ‘the one’. I tell myself not to, to go with the flow. When I reach the moment where all I can focus on is serving and not obsessive anxious thoughts, I will be on a better road.

    But for now, I’m considering maybe not giving up completely but having a break. The last few months in my ventures into BDSM have not been entirely positive. I understand these are things I need to experience to know red flags but it’s left me questioning myself as a person and how I present myself. I seem to attract those who are not putting in as much as I am willing to.

    I’d been looking for something to read after my recent experiences. Thank you for your post on the topic, it offered a new perspective. Will definitely keep reading!

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