I believe that in most cases when an individual identifies as a Dominant or a submissive and chooses to date someone who would be considered 'vanilla', they make this choice based upon an emotional decision and not one of logic. This is in part why I don't date vanilla.
I am a calculated man, one who analyzes many things before coming to a decision. Sometimes I analyze quickly and others, I will take some time before coming to a conclusion, but I am always calculated. Perhaps, I also maintain a level of self-discipline that allows for a heightened ability to emotionally detach myself from many if not all situations and look at it with logic, not emotion.
Having that said, here's why I don't date vanilla.
Why I Don't Date Vanilla
Why would I desire to date someone who doesn't understand themselves in the same fashion or degree that I understand myself? More importantly, why would I date someone who can't relate to my journey? The path of discovery many within the BDSM lifestyle take.
Dominants and submissives often wonder and often do date those that are vanilla. Primarily, for what I believe are a couple of reasons;
- They simply like them or find them attractive
- They hope the individual hasn't discovered themselves and hope they can teach them 'how to be'
In my opinion, this is a very ignorant thought process and here's why I think so.
Dating someone because you like them doesn't always mean that they're right for you. This will almost always leave you wanting. For me, this is exactly how my journey began. As I dated, I always felt that something was missing, it didn't matter what my partner did for me, it was never quite enough. There was always something missing, I was missing.
Ultimately, what was missing? A submissive. How I felt about my partner; attraction, emotion, none of that really mattered in the end - it always came to an end. They simply weren't a submissive.
I was always left with the feeling of wanting more, needing more.
To be honest, a consistent reminder of this now, is the sheer number of individuals who are either partnered or married, men and women, entering into the BDSM community to reach out as they are partnered with someone who doesn't share in their desires; their needs. It is disheartening.
Granted, they have often discovered themselves after the fact. Meaning, they've discovered themselves after being committed to this relationship. However, the point is even more present. They have an established and committed relationship, probably, I would hope, filled with love and emotion. However, this isn't enough, they need Dominance or submission, it is who they are.
Taking these prime examples into account; I have discovered myself, I know I am a Dominant. Why would I knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who doesn't identify accordingly?
Hope? Oh, that's right, hope. The hope that this person I have an interest in simply hasn't discovered themselves yet. The hope, that I will lead them to discovery.
You're either a Dominant or a submissive or you're not. Would you tell yourself that it is possible to lead someone who isn't homosexual to homosexuality? Then, why would you tell yourself you could lead someone who's not a Dominant or a submissive to Dominance or submission?
I would be ignorant to believe this as true, arrogant even.
The truth is this, many individuals are dominant or submissive, but that doesn't make them a Dominant or a submissive. For instance, my primary corporation deals in the construction industry. How many dominant men do you think are on my payroll? Okay, now how many of those dominant men do you think are a Dominant and lead a BDSM lifestyle?
Being a Dominant or a submissive is something someone discovers about themselves. I believe they already are and they subconsciously already know. It is who they are, not something they do.
Could you 'teach' someone how to be a Dominant or a submissive? Well... Could you teach someone how to be a homosexual? No. Could you teach them how to do certain dominant or submissive 'acts'? Certainly! But, now you have a couple of problems; you may have a submissive teaching a 'dominant', which I don't believe I need to explain just how contradictory that is. Also, whether dominant or submissive, they are merely roleplaying and that novelty will eventually wear off.
I honestly meet women outside of the lifestyle all the time that I like and that I'm also attracted to. I could very well pursue and even date them if I chose to, but that would simply be an emotional response. So, I don't and that's due to the logical response.
The logical response is this; I can't turn someone into a submissive, just as an individual can't turn someone into a homosexual. It is not something they do, it is who they are, that is a simple fact. With that logic in mind; to pursue them with this ideology or hope that they simply haven't discovered themselves yet and I'm going to be the one to show them, would be emotional ignorance - not logic.
At the end of the day, individuals are welcome to date whomever they choose. I choose not to date those who would be considered 'vanilla' as I'll ultimately be left wanting, needing more - empty. I believe you can't 'turn' someone Dominant or submissive, in the same fashion that you can't 'turn' someone gay. I do not follow emotion or false hope - I follow the logic.
The BDSM community exists for many reasons, none more prevalent than this. If we all dated 'vanillas', what need would there be for a BDSM community?
For myself, at the end of the day, this is why I don't date vanilla.
I have spent far too much time discovering myself, understanding who I am. There is no time more valuable than my own and I will not date someone who couldn't equally grasp what the journey to discovery means.