I have been inspired to write my first article in over a month and a half out of pure frustration, to be honest. There seems to be a common theme coming up within the BDSMtalks Community as of late and it pertains to Dominant entitlement.
Apparently, there's massive confusion among Dominants when approaching a submissive who is single about the difference between respect and servitude. To be more specific, Dominants feeling that because they claim or choose the title of 'Dom' that they are immediately entitled to servitude from a submissive.
There's a significant difference between being respected and being served. More so, what a Dominant is entitled to.
Today, I am going to be discussing the wrongful sense of entitlement a Dominant seems to feel when he encounters a new submissive interest who is single.
First, allow me to provide a couple of practical examples that have come up in the community recently.
A single submissive who has been chatting with one Dominant (a) meets and begins to chat with another Dominant (b). In good judgment and being respectful, she decides to let both Dominants know she is also chatting and in talks with another.
Dominant (b) decides and proceeds to go on a tirade about how a submissive shouldn't talk to more than one Dom at a time. That it's disrespectful to the Dom considering you. He then proceeds to demand, to advise the submissive that she had to stop talking to all other Dominants.
You may be thinking, so what's the issue with this? Well, before I provide my thoughts, allow me to pose a few questions;
- Whenever a 'Dom' takes a liking to a submissive she is no longer allowed to be single?
- A submissive doesn't have to agree to be 'under consideration', a Dominant decides that for her?
- Advising both Dominants that she is talking with another was not respectful?
- If a Dominant likes a submissive, she must immediately begin to serve him and follow orders?
- A submissive doesn't give her submission freely, it is claimed?
A single submissive receives a severely critical email from a Dominant she's been talking to because she wouldn't spread eagle on cam for him. At first, she replies to the email kindly and respectfully about her feelings on the situation, at which time the 'Dom' continued to persist with the scathing correspondence.
The submissive now turns to one of her submissive groups she is a member of, for support. She inquires among the submissives; when or if it is ever appropriate to tell a 'Dominant' off.
Keep in mind, she is single, they are merely talking and he holds no ownership over her.
The general consensus in the submissive group was that it is never appropriate or okay to tell a Dominant off, regardless of circumstance, as this can be construed as being difficult or bratty.
Yep, I can't even make this crap up.
Allow me to pose a few more questions;
- A man using the title 'Dom' makes him exempt from acting like douche?
- A man can claim the title 'Dominant' and all women he likes are now obligated to entertain him, serve him and to obey him?
- One can use 'Dom' as a cover to act like a perverted little boy and a submissive can't tell them off?
Here are my thoughts.
There are far more men using the title 'Dom' to mask their insecurity and provide them with a sense of Dominant entitlement, ultimately giving what they believe, an excuse to behave like an a--hole. As well, there are far more men who enjoy "kink" or "kinky sex" and are using the title 'Dom' as an excuse to make women (submissives) feel obligated to entertain them than there are actual, true Dominants in the mainstream mediums.
Regardless of whether that be true or not, just because Jimbo decided to wake up this morning and be a 'Dom' doesn't now mean that any and every single submissive woman he meets and takes a liking to, must now serve him.
I'm a 'Dom' so now all women must serve me!
Do I believe Dominants should be respected? Absolutely. It is perfectly appropriate behavior for a submissive to be respectful towards Dominants she comes in contact with. However, just because it is given initially, that doesn't mean it is a license for a 'Dom' to do whatever they please without consequence. It's also not to be confused with servitude.
Respect may be given initially, but it is earned and maintained through mutual respect, regardless of the title someone decides to place beside their name.
A submissive is a woman and a woman who is single owes a Dominant nothing. Her purpose is certainly not to entertain a man she just met's insecurity.
As a Dominant, these are the principles I follow when meeting or dealing with a single submissive.
It is on her to prove her worth to me. Ultimately, she will serve me and before that time comes, if that time comes, I want to know what she is made of. However, it is not for me to demand that she prove herself to me. This can only be given, submission is a choice, a free choice a woman makes... It is not claimed!
For example, I often say that I almost hate looking up a submissive I have interests in on FetLife. The reason being? I value a certain level of modesty and class. More often than not, I will look a submissive up after chatting for a bit and they'll be spread-eagled providing any man that will give them attention, attention.
For me, this doesn't work at all. So, what are my options? I could very well demand that they stop doing so immediately, couldn't I? Orrrr... I can have a discussion about what I value and find appropriate at which time it will be their decision to modify that behavior.
I would assume if I wasn't the same as any other (which I am not) they would freely choose to modify their behavior. And if they didn't, do I then demand that they do, because I am a Dominant and we're talking thus, I am entitled and they must serve me now...? or do I simply take it as a sign that for them, I am not of greater value and simply stop communication?
Dominant entitlement isn't a right - it is earned and it is given freely.
However, I am a confident man, my Dominant ego is fully intact and great enough that I do not fear a potential submissive speaking to another Dom. I do not fear they will see something better in another or that they will choose not to prove themselves to me. I know my Dominance is greater than any other. There is no competition to be had. If they can't see that, I do not fear being alone and truly only see it as their loss.
Truth is, if they are not freely willing to prove themselves, to be judged, to be evaluated and I have to demand it, to force it; what value to me, do they truly have?
Here's a little secret to the Dominants that may be reading this, if you're insecure and have to force it... You won't have much value to a submissive either. Your colors will eventually shine through.
The bottom line is this; submissive Ownership is given freely, not claimed and until that has been clearly given, Dominant entitlement does not exist.
Just because a Dominant decides to start talking to a submissive, doesn't, in turn, mean she must prove herself and if you're a 'Dom' reading this, that title (Dom) doesn't mean any woman your little wee wee takes a shining to must now by default, serve you. No matter how badly you may want them or how much it may hurt your insecurity that they don't want you - you aren't entitled to a damn thing.
Respect is earned and servitude is given... Freely.
When and to whom respect and servitude are given, is solely the decision of the submissive.