Aftercare | BDSM

Aftercare | BDSM | BDSMtalks

Easily, one of the topics I am most often asked about is aftercare. Why I have not yet chosen to discuss it before now, I am not entirely sure.

To be honest, aftercare comes in many different forms and for each individual, it takes a different course of action. However, one thing I feel is universal is that aftercare in BDSM in most cases are detrimental to the care of a submissive; both mentally and emotionally.

What seems not to be universal is the implementation of aftercare on behalf of many Dominants. This is alarming. So, let's discuss aftercare, how I understand it and some of the issues in how it is viewed and ignored.

Aftercare | BDSM

Allow me to begin with what exactly 'aftercare' is or what it means, to the best of my ability.

I would describe aftercare as a simple gesture of care for the submissive once a 'session' has concluded between Dominant and submissive. A common misconception is that it is or must be a grand gesture of appreciation toward the submissive, or that the Dominant must cater to the submissive and that it is this long drawn out taxing process for the Dominant that may go on for hours.

Wrong.

Perhaps not entirely 'wrong'. There are undoubtedly times where a submissive may feel a Dominant must provide aftercare; a Dominant must do nothing. Should a Dominant provide aftercare? Yes. But, He is never obligated to do anything. Also, there are certainly D&s exchanges where aftercare plays a significant role for both parties. However, in my experience, it has never been this like 'whole thing' so, let's try to rid that stigma.

In all my experience, I have never felt obligated or like I had to provide aftercare. If I have encountered a submissive who has expressed entitlement to it, I've corrected that behavior.

As for the stigma that it is a long drawn out process or that the Dominant must cater to the submissive, this is not true. Unless the submissive feels that it should be, in which case I would say the Dominant must decide whether or not that particular submissive is right for Him. Outside of that, I would say it's a very simple process.

So, what exactly is 'aftercare'? I would describe aftercare as the time spent between Dominant and submissive immediately following a play session that may involve a higher level of physical aggression. This is the time in which the Dominant generally spends supporting the submissive as he/she gathers her bearings.

In most cases, this is a very simple gesture from the Dominant. I typically spend a bit of time lying with the submissive coddling or cuddling her. Sometimes, it is as simple as helping her clean up and wiping her off following a messy session.

Are there instances or submissives who prefer not to have aftercare? Definitely! Mind you, in all of my endeavors I have only encountered this once, which oddly enough was more recent with one of my submissives. To be entirely honest, I was taken a bit aback by the notion when she advised me that she prefer not to partake in aftercare and much rather if I just left the room; leaving her to her own device.

A rarity, so foreign. I will say, however, although I was taken a bit aback by the notion at first, I have come to enjoy this interaction between us. For me, it is more primal, more Domineering; I like it.

However, even she is not totally immune to the need for aftercare. No time more prevalent than that when she was in subspace after an intense session of water bondage; sub drop is a real thing - be aware.

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Now, allow me to address the negligence in aftercare that seems to trend among Dominants.

The ignorance and selfish behavior among Dominants that aftercare is merely about bonding and should only be reserved for those submissives they actually connect with or care about is absurd.

Can I personally agree that I feel the desire or want to provide aftercare for those submissives I actually care about and don't necessarily want to for those submissives that I don't care for? Yes, absolutely!

However, regardless of the desire or want to provide for that individual or not, it would be completely and entirely selfish as a Dominant to push an individual's body or mind to its limits; to use them as my muse, at my expense, to then simply leave them there in the wake of my aftermath.

Purposefully leaving a submissive at risk of sub drop simply because I don't feel 'connected' to them or they're merely a play partner, in my opinion, is abusive behavior.

So to any Dominant who may be reading this, onto you, I say this; as much as a submissive has a duty and purpose to fulfill, you, as a Dominant, have a duty and purpose - fulfill it to the same standard that you demand. Dominance and abuse run a very thin line and to those making excuses as to why they are exempt from providing aftercare, you need to decide what side of that line they want to be on.

As for myself, how I view aftercare as a whole and how I understand it through my experiences is like this;

In most cases, it's not some grand gesture or about catering to the submissive. It may assist in bonding but it is not remotely or entirely about bonding and connecting. It is far more about simply being there for the submissive, and if she will allow herself to be my vice if only even temporarily, showing my appreciation for her submission by simply lying there and holding her for some time is the least I may do.

I believe (outside of he/she saying so) it is not optional, it is a necessity. As necessary as it is to provide punishment to correct behavior, it is a necessity to provide aftercare for acceptance. It is not about obligation, a Dominant is not obligated to do anything. It is about code, the moral fabric of a Dominant to be the best He can, to hold Himself to the same standard He commands.

It is to not cross the line from being a Dominant to merely being abusive.


I know I have only made a brief reference to sub drop in this entry, possibly leaving many of you to wonder what exactly that is. I'd be ignorant to discuss it in detail as I am a Dominant. However, I would like to write about sub drop in a future article.

So, if you as a submissive have experienced sub drop, write me an email and tell me your story ⇒ Email Story

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1 Comment

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